Reminder: These are my ideas as they flow from my mind. They're not meant to always make sense or to appeal to the senses. Enter with caution and at your own risk. We do not all think the same nor am I trying to persuade you into believing or thinking the way I do. This is a way for me to express myself. My grammar sucks, run on sentences all over the place, first, second third person point of views. However..... they are my thoughts, my own raw thoughts.... So take what you want from it and leave behind what you think is a bunch of rubbish. Skip over any section you think sucks and read over and over the parts that make you think.
I remember when I had only been living here in California for 9 months I met my now good friend Nita. We went to have coffee one day after church and she said "it's going to take at least 2 years for you to make good friends here". In my head I was thinking she was crazy. There was no way I would stay here another 2 years. I was on the verge of moving back to Texas at the moment. It has been 2 and a half years since that conversation at a Starbucks, she ate an egg sandwich and I had a chai latte (I have a good memory although a bit selective). She was right though, good things take time to build. And sometimes those things that take time to build are easily destroyed.
There's something about not giving up when things aren't going your way or when they seem too hard to handle. I've found lately that maybe I don't really know myself. My mind thinks one way but my heart feels differently. They are definitely not in-sync. But I've realized that I have to wait it out. I have to trust myself and continue to press through. I think sometimes I don't enjoy the present because I'm too busy thinking about what the future is going to look like or what the past should have looked like. I need to enjoy this very moment, this one person who I'm spending time with or this one thing that I am doing, reading, eating, watching or listening to. It is not forever, I will never live this moment in my life again.
It's very easy sometimes to stay in a certain mindset. Though there's something in my heart that wants more or something different it's easier to stay with what I know or within my comfort zone. I've recently realized that dreams are achievable, it is I who doesn't always follow them. And sometimes or most times they change and I'm not always paying attention to those things. I don't notice that what once made me happy no longer makes me happy. What I once desired I no longer long for.
As I'm getting "older" I'm asking myself "what am I really looking for"? Whether it be in a partner, a job, living situation and location. What do I want, need or think is going to make me happy? By older I don't necessarily mean age although that is an obvious indication. By older I mean wiser, experienced, smarter, clever, confident, comfortable, stable, planted, grounded, loving..... What once was very important to me isn't so much anymore. You may be wondering like what. Well... maybe in a partner it's not so much about looks but personality, chemistry, attraction, real life not those temporary things I use to call "relationships". In a job.. it's not the title or salary but that I enjoy what I'm doing every day and that I feel productive. Living situation... it's not so much about where I live or who I live with and having certain things but about being happy and feeling at "home" not like it's a hotel as it has in the past. Location.... well this one I can't say much on because I enjoy living in the city (which by the way I was told last night that because I call SF "the city" there is no way I'd ever be a native). My heart has always longed to live in a city. It may have something to do with being able to blend in, not feeling like an outsider. I think I could live my life here and no one would notice whether I came or went. My friends probably won't agree with that.
I seriously have just realized I don't know myself. What makes me happy anymore or what my goals are. They seem to change day by day for me. Even within this blog my mind has changed on what I think I know about myself. Who am I kidding about what I want in a partner? There's a huge difference between what I want and what I know I need. I want attraction, I want chemistry but I know I need a strong person. Someone who will motivate me, someone who will push me to dream bigger than even I can imagine, someone who believes in God even more than I do. Someone who will get me back on that path when my mind begins to wander about those things that I know are not interchangeable. Someone to sit in the same room with and not say a single word to but know exactly what we're thinking. Someone to read the paper with in the morning before we go to work or the Bible before we go to bed. God is not interchangeable with my own ideas, needs or desires. I am so limited, I am flawed, I am powerless alone.
It's not easy for me to open up and get deep with people. I can't always express what I'm thinking in a spoken form. Many times I can write you a letter to express what I'm feeling or thinking. I don't know where that comes from. We could say that I was raised by two parents who didn't express their feelings very well. We could blame it on the lack of communication and interaction with my parents. I don't know maybe it's a number of things. All I know is that it's hard. I wish I could tell you what I really feel but then I'd probably cry. I will think that you don't understand and will want me to think the way you think. I like to think that I'm not easily influenced. I have my own opinions but my opinions have to be formed by something I've been told, heard maybe or read. So I guess that means I have been influenced by people, their ideas, their dreams, their words. Be careful what you tell me. It will have one of two affects on me. Either I'll remember it and use it against you later or I'll forget and then it will slip my mind that you really are a cool person and that yes maybe we do have something in common. But I guess we'll never know because my memory and hearing is selective. I may remember what you were wearing but not what you said. I may remember what you said but not the color of your eyes. I am complicated and it's in more than one way.
But I have feelings as well and yes they do get hurt. Though my face lacks an expression. Though it seems like all I do is think, though I seem put together, know it all, know what I like or want. Guess what...... I have no idea. It's constantly changing, so go ahead tell me what you think, influence me in some way, help me see something I can't see. Even if it's something about myself. Even if it's something that will hurt me, that will make me cry and hate you. I need to learn to be vulnerable to put it all on the table. I try, I promise I try to be transparent and I know that sometimes it takes time and effort. I give a little here and there. Maybe one day I'll let it all spill out, be completely honest. But I'm not completely honest with myself all the time so I may not be with you either.
(I can't believe I keep playing this song, over and over and over, Fine Frenzy Almost Lover)
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
Guard your heart.....Truth!!
It's a choice, a decision we make, to love, it's not a feeling I've heard. I'm not sure but I think I might agree. I've never been in love, lust maybe but definitely not love. The people I love the most in my life I think I've had to make the decision to love them. I've been mistreated by them, offended and betrayed, but I've chosen to love them anyway. At times I may have felt like the love was not reciprocated but that didn't change the way I felt about them, I continued to love them unconditionally, definitely a decision not a feeling. But.... I felt it.... and it hurt.....
I went home (Texas) a couple of weeks ago. I enjoyed seeing my friends and family. It was a little hard as it often is. I wonder what it was that kept me going when I lived there. Or how I kept myself above water. I nearly had a breakdown in the parking lot of a Sam's (Costco). I can't explain what it was. It wasn't anything said or did. More than often I am moved by something, not always someone. It can be a positive or negative affect. It can be a song, a book I'm reading, nature, the view out of the back seat of a car, a look someone gives me, a picture, memory, commercial, card, movie, dance, or a simple smile or gesture. What exactly happened to me in that parking lot I can't quite describe. All I know is that I was moved and I wasn't happy to be there, not this time.
I want to be myself and someone completely different all at the same time. I want to build things only I don't have a plan. I saw Where the Wild Things Are recently, not my kind of movie but I really enjoyed it. It made me think about the "kings" in my life and what I let control me. The things that control us may not always be good for us but sometimes can help us. I'm running away from my fears but sometimes I must live in them to overcome them. They are my salvation. They have saved me... from the pits of hell. If I had no fears I would continue to live in the comfort zone. My fears may have been that things would not change that I would continue in a world I did not feel complete in. Does wanting to be someone completely different mean I'm not being true to myself, to my roots, my heritage???
I am a writer... But does it make sense that sometimes I have to read someone else's ideas to come up with new ones? They're there in my heart, soul and mind but need to be stirred. Again it's not always in something I read but anything that moves me, only that for me it usually comes in some written form. It could be a building, the smell of a certain food, a sculpture. It needs to be activated, it doesn't come naturally to me. I need to let go of what I thought I had to be. I am me and it's all I can be, and that's okay.
Guard your heart..... It is through our hearts that happiness enters and exits. Through our eyes we see but it is through our hearts that we are lifted or destroyed. Be cautious of what enters your ears. When do you start and stop listening? The words that you hear will affect your spirit. Make the choice to hear good things. Don't close yourself off to the word of God, from the voice of God.
Attraction, compatibility, and chemistry three completely different things. Can we have all three? Do we need all three for "it" to work. I don't know... I think I've found maybe one or two in a relationship but never all three, obviously, or least not at the same time or with the same person. I've either been very attracted to someone and compatible but had no chemistry or I've been attracted and had lots of chemistry but have not been compatible. Never all three, hmm..... That's okay... I'll continue to guard my heart..... Truth.....
I went home (Texas) a couple of weeks ago. I enjoyed seeing my friends and family. It was a little hard as it often is. I wonder what it was that kept me going when I lived there. Or how I kept myself above water. I nearly had a breakdown in the parking lot of a Sam's (Costco). I can't explain what it was. It wasn't anything said or did. More than often I am moved by something, not always someone. It can be a positive or negative affect. It can be a song, a book I'm reading, nature, the view out of the back seat of a car, a look someone gives me, a picture, memory, commercial, card, movie, dance, or a simple smile or gesture. What exactly happened to me in that parking lot I can't quite describe. All I know is that I was moved and I wasn't happy to be there, not this time.
I want to be myself and someone completely different all at the same time. I want to build things only I don't have a plan. I saw Where the Wild Things Are recently, not my kind of movie but I really enjoyed it. It made me think about the "kings" in my life and what I let control me. The things that control us may not always be good for us but sometimes can help us. I'm running away from my fears but sometimes I must live in them to overcome them. They are my salvation. They have saved me... from the pits of hell. If I had no fears I would continue to live in the comfort zone. My fears may have been that things would not change that I would continue in a world I did not feel complete in. Does wanting to be someone completely different mean I'm not being true to myself, to my roots, my heritage???
I am a writer... But does it make sense that sometimes I have to read someone else's ideas to come up with new ones? They're there in my heart, soul and mind but need to be stirred. Again it's not always in something I read but anything that moves me, only that for me it usually comes in some written form. It could be a building, the smell of a certain food, a sculpture. It needs to be activated, it doesn't come naturally to me. I need to let go of what I thought I had to be. I am me and it's all I can be, and that's okay.
Guard your heart..... It is through our hearts that happiness enters and exits. Through our eyes we see but it is through our hearts that we are lifted or destroyed. Be cautious of what enters your ears. When do you start and stop listening? The words that you hear will affect your spirit. Make the choice to hear good things. Don't close yourself off to the word of God, from the voice of God.
Attraction, compatibility, and chemistry three completely different things. Can we have all three? Do we need all three for "it" to work. I don't know... I think I've found maybe one or two in a relationship but never all three, obviously, or least not at the same time or with the same person. I've either been very attracted to someone and compatible but had no chemistry or I've been attracted and had lots of chemistry but have not been compatible. Never all three, hmm..... That's okay... I'll continue to guard my heart..... Truth.....
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Saved by Grace through Faith......
I remember when we were kids and we come home from visiting our grandparents in Mexico my mom always had a gift for us on our beds. I don't remember it ever being about the monetary value but just the thought that mattered. It would be a kite, books, puzzles, dolls for my sister anything she knew we liked. It was one of the best things about coming home at the end of a summer away.
I was recently reading a journal I found from two years ago and I laughed and cried.... It's amazing the simple changes God has made in my life. Sometimes I think people want to see some big miracle or change in someone or in their own lives to justify why they believe in God. Maybe they're right, why would I believe in something bigger than myself if there wasn't a need. But my need has been greater than my mind can comprehend. Someone who I consider very wise said yesterday that we have to REMEMBER the things God has done in our lives when we have lost our devotion for/to him. I remember before I was saved someone told me that I should thank God for all of the good and bad things in my life. At the moment I was feeling helpless, lost, confused and here he wanted me thank God for all of these awful things. But... I mustered up what little faith I had and I thanked him. I prayed to a God I knew little or nothing about. My faith must have been greater than I ever imagined. I've noticed than in my time of need and desperation, in those times when there's nothing to lose is when I take a bigger risk and leap of faith.
I try to make sense of this crazy thing called life but there's no making sense of it, there's no clear understanding. I've been able to overcome a few obstacles but also have had some really good times along the way. I've have a lot of a good thing and a lot of a bad thing. I've had everything and nothing, lots of friends and no friends. This reminds of a verse that I really like 2 Corinthians:5-10- We have been beaten, been put in prison, faced angry mobs, worked to exhaustion, endured sleepless nights, and gone without food. We prove ourselves by our purity, our understanding, our patience, our kindness, by the Holy Spirit within us, and by our sincere love. We faithfully preach the truth. God’s power is working in us. We use the weapons of righteousness in the right hand for attack and the left hand for defense. We serve God whether people honor us or despise us, whether they slander us or praise us. We are honest, but they call us impostors. We are ignored, even though we are well known. We live close to death, but we are still alive. We have been beaten, but we have not been killed. Our hearts ache, but we always have joy. We are poor, but we give spiritual riches to others. We own nothing, and yet we have everything.
I definitely think this is something I have had to work at. The basic of it all was trusting God with my life. Although there were obvious reasons along the way why I should they weren't always clearly spoken to me. I think I was sort of given a map to follow but I didn't really know how to drive yet or where I was going. So I found a way to get to the destination I was headed towards. That destination being not a physical location but like I've said in the past an emotional state of mind. When I was finally saved I was in a really dark place in my life. I was introduced to Christ as a child only I didn't have my own clear understanding of what I was doing. My parents sent me to a church that would later save my life. I went for the milk and cookies =) And then in that precise moment when I saw no light not even a glimmer, when I felt hopeless and worthless he found me. He took me by the hand and led me towards the light. Not to the light but towards the light. I sat in a closet most of my 8th grade year with a machete to my wrist trying to find a reason to live... or not to. I sometimes wonder how things happen exactly. How certain people are led to certain places so that they can lead the next person towards their destination. How my godfather was in prison at that very precise moment when I didn't want to live and then somehow I decided to write him, a person I wasn't even really close to before that. Where you get to a point of desperation and God is there to meet you. And then we get the responses that we don't quite understand. I told my godfather everything. I told him that my father was a drug addict and that he slept all day and stayed awake all night. That he didn't work and that I didn't leave the house because I was scared he would die of a drug overdose and that I spent most of my nights in a closet. That my father was pale and thin and people thought he had Aids. That I had lost the respect for a man I once admired. I don't know what I had imagined his response would have been but I don't think I had imagined what it turned out to be. He said find Jesus and thank him for all of the good things and the bad ones. So I did, I sought this Jesus I once had met when I was a child and sang songs about (Yes Jesus loves me... for the Bible tells me so). I so desperately sought him and he was there for me. He slowly made changes within me, in my way of thinking, believing and acting. They weren't changes that happened over night but took years to take affect. Looking back I wouldn't change a single thing about those years. They have built my strength and faith, a solid foundation he's building upon. I remember thinking to myself when I first starting going to church, "How will my mother ever be saved? She's the complete opposite of what a Christian looks like, she curses, she's loud, won't step foot in a church......" But I still prayed and believed. She was always a good person, she helped people through the years, homeless people, poor people, anyone who was in need she would help. I can't say I followed the straight and narrow path. I fell off several times which is bound to happen when you don't have anyone to really lead by example.
One of my really good friends Sylvia who I started to go to church with during those really tough times has taught me a lot. Sometimes it wasn't by anything she ever said to me. Not that I thought of her as a goody two- shoes but I wondered how she did it. How did she not get tempted to go out and get drunk and party like the rest of us. I didn't get it but I wanted that. I doubt she ever thought I was jealous of her but I was. She seemed so "perfect" to me. She's one of my best friends and one of the most amazing women I have ever met and yet I don't think I've truly expressed that to her. I would have been lost had I not reconnected to Sylvia our freshman year in World Geography (Mr. Wade's) class. So do I still doubt that everything happens for a reason? I don't know, I don't think I do.
So just a quick update...... my father went to rehab and my mom left him, I hated her and somehow thought I loved God at the same time =), I kept praying even as I was in and out of church, drunk or hungover at the alter sometimes but I kept praying and God was still there. My father caught Meningitis in 2002 had 2 heart attacks, total organ failure (heart, lungs, kidneys, liver) in ICU, in a coma for 14 days and almost died, another one of the life changing moments in all of our lives, he lived, and do I still doubt that everything happens for a reason? I don't know it's getting a little harder....
In 2003 after 10 years of praying for my mother to be saved yet another life changing moment occurred. I don't know that I wish to disclose the details just yet. Let's just say that the Lord works in mysterious ways. She's saved and our lives are changed once again. I can't say anyone or everyone thought of it as a fortunate situation at the moment. Only that as the two of us stared at each other from across the room as the "event" was taking place we both knew that it was the way things were meant to happen. There were no emotions as there had not been any in the past. There were no regrets, no what if things had been done differently. We knew that what was taking place at that precise moment had already been laid out before us. We accepted the consequences of the actions that had taken place in the past. We were blessed in more than one way. The last 6 years of my life have not been the easiest. Somehow they have become easier to deal with. Each and every obstacle has helped me deal with the next one I'm faced with.
I can't say it's all been bad. There's definitely been good ones. There have been achievements. The ability to be financially independent being one of the most important ones. I don't think anyone every thought it would be possible but I guess they're not around to see it anyway. Being able to once again or for the first time ever truly trust God with my life. I think that in the past I handled as much as I could and then asked him for help when I couldn't figure it out. That has changed, I trust him first to help me. Even through all of the bad times he blessed us. We traveled, we had things we'll probably never have again. Which I'm completely fine without because at least now I've had a taste of those things and have realized that those things don't make me any happier.
There are areas in my life he continues to change, he's molding me for the next big thing in my life. Those "bad" things may not seem like blessing but I would definitely call them blessings. I think I've learned that blessing aren't always pretty, or easy or speak loud an clear. What is the definition of blessing??? Blessing -Something promoting or contributing to happiness, well-being, or prosperity. It doesn't say it will be a happy moment or a great moment. I am thankful for all of the little blessings (good and bad) in my life. They have made me the determined, hopeful, faithful, strong, God trusting, loving, thankful, God fearing woman I am today.....
I was recently reading a journal I found from two years ago and I laughed and cried.... It's amazing the simple changes God has made in my life. Sometimes I think people want to see some big miracle or change in someone or in their own lives to justify why they believe in God. Maybe they're right, why would I believe in something bigger than myself if there wasn't a need. But my need has been greater than my mind can comprehend. Someone who I consider very wise said yesterday that we have to REMEMBER the things God has done in our lives when we have lost our devotion for/to him. I remember before I was saved someone told me that I should thank God for all of the good and bad things in my life. At the moment I was feeling helpless, lost, confused and here he wanted me thank God for all of these awful things. But... I mustered up what little faith I had and I thanked him. I prayed to a God I knew little or nothing about. My faith must have been greater than I ever imagined. I've noticed than in my time of need and desperation, in those times when there's nothing to lose is when I take a bigger risk and leap of faith.
I try to make sense of this crazy thing called life but there's no making sense of it, there's no clear understanding. I've been able to overcome a few obstacles but also have had some really good times along the way. I've have a lot of a good thing and a lot of a bad thing. I've had everything and nothing, lots of friends and no friends. This reminds of a verse that I really like 2 Corinthians:5-10- We have been beaten, been put in prison, faced angry mobs, worked to exhaustion, endured sleepless nights, and gone without food. We prove ourselves by our purity, our understanding, our patience, our kindness, by the Holy Spirit within us, and by our sincere love. We faithfully preach the truth. God’s power is working in us. We use the weapons of righteousness in the right hand for attack and the left hand for defense. We serve God whether people honor us or despise us, whether they slander us or praise us. We are honest, but they call us impostors. We are ignored, even though we are well known. We live close to death, but we are still alive. We have been beaten, but we have not been killed. Our hearts ache, but we always have joy. We are poor, but we give spiritual riches to others. We own nothing, and yet we have everything.
I definitely think this is something I have had to work at. The basic of it all was trusting God with my life. Although there were obvious reasons along the way why I should they weren't always clearly spoken to me. I think I was sort of given a map to follow but I didn't really know how to drive yet or where I was going. So I found a way to get to the destination I was headed towards. That destination being not a physical location but like I've said in the past an emotional state of mind. When I was finally saved I was in a really dark place in my life. I was introduced to Christ as a child only I didn't have my own clear understanding of what I was doing. My parents sent me to a church that would later save my life. I went for the milk and cookies =) And then in that precise moment when I saw no light not even a glimmer, when I felt hopeless and worthless he found me. He took me by the hand and led me towards the light. Not to the light but towards the light. I sat in a closet most of my 8th grade year with a machete to my wrist trying to find a reason to live... or not to. I sometimes wonder how things happen exactly. How certain people are led to certain places so that they can lead the next person towards their destination. How my godfather was in prison at that very precise moment when I didn't want to live and then somehow I decided to write him, a person I wasn't even really close to before that. Where you get to a point of desperation and God is there to meet you. And then we get the responses that we don't quite understand. I told my godfather everything. I told him that my father was a drug addict and that he slept all day and stayed awake all night. That he didn't work and that I didn't leave the house because I was scared he would die of a drug overdose and that I spent most of my nights in a closet. That my father was pale and thin and people thought he had Aids. That I had lost the respect for a man I once admired. I don't know what I had imagined his response would have been but I don't think I had imagined what it turned out to be. He said find Jesus and thank him for all of the good things and the bad ones. So I did, I sought this Jesus I once had met when I was a child and sang songs about (Yes Jesus loves me... for the Bible tells me so). I so desperately sought him and he was there for me. He slowly made changes within me, in my way of thinking, believing and acting. They weren't changes that happened over night but took years to take affect. Looking back I wouldn't change a single thing about those years. They have built my strength and faith, a solid foundation he's building upon. I remember thinking to myself when I first starting going to church, "How will my mother ever be saved? She's the complete opposite of what a Christian looks like, she curses, she's loud, won't step foot in a church......" But I still prayed and believed. She was always a good person, she helped people through the years, homeless people, poor people, anyone who was in need she would help. I can't say I followed the straight and narrow path. I fell off several times which is bound to happen when you don't have anyone to really lead by example.
One of my really good friends Sylvia who I started to go to church with during those really tough times has taught me a lot. Sometimes it wasn't by anything she ever said to me. Not that I thought of her as a goody two- shoes but I wondered how she did it. How did she not get tempted to go out and get drunk and party like the rest of us. I didn't get it but I wanted that. I doubt she ever thought I was jealous of her but I was. She seemed so "perfect" to me. She's one of my best friends and one of the most amazing women I have ever met and yet I don't think I've truly expressed that to her. I would have been lost had I not reconnected to Sylvia our freshman year in World Geography (Mr. Wade's) class. So do I still doubt that everything happens for a reason? I don't know, I don't think I do.
So just a quick update...... my father went to rehab and my mom left him, I hated her and somehow thought I loved God at the same time =), I kept praying even as I was in and out of church, drunk or hungover at the alter sometimes but I kept praying and God was still there. My father caught Meningitis in 2002 had 2 heart attacks, total organ failure (heart, lungs, kidneys, liver) in ICU, in a coma for 14 days and almost died, another one of the life changing moments in all of our lives, he lived, and do I still doubt that everything happens for a reason? I don't know it's getting a little harder....
In 2003 after 10 years of praying for my mother to be saved yet another life changing moment occurred. I don't know that I wish to disclose the details just yet. Let's just say that the Lord works in mysterious ways. She's saved and our lives are changed once again. I can't say anyone or everyone thought of it as a fortunate situation at the moment. Only that as the two of us stared at each other from across the room as the "event" was taking place we both knew that it was the way things were meant to happen. There were no emotions as there had not been any in the past. There were no regrets, no what if things had been done differently. We knew that what was taking place at that precise moment had already been laid out before us. We accepted the consequences of the actions that had taken place in the past. We were blessed in more than one way. The last 6 years of my life have not been the easiest. Somehow they have become easier to deal with. Each and every obstacle has helped me deal with the next one I'm faced with.
I can't say it's all been bad. There's definitely been good ones. There have been achievements. The ability to be financially independent being one of the most important ones. I don't think anyone every thought it would be possible but I guess they're not around to see it anyway. Being able to once again or for the first time ever truly trust God with my life. I think that in the past I handled as much as I could and then asked him for help when I couldn't figure it out. That has changed, I trust him first to help me. Even through all of the bad times he blessed us. We traveled, we had things we'll probably never have again. Which I'm completely fine without because at least now I've had a taste of those things and have realized that those things don't make me any happier.
There are areas in my life he continues to change, he's molding me for the next big thing in my life. Those "bad" things may not seem like blessing but I would definitely call them blessings. I think I've learned that blessing aren't always pretty, or easy or speak loud an clear. What is the definition of blessing??? Blessing -Something promoting or contributing to happiness, well-being, or prosperity. It doesn't say it will be a happy moment or a great moment. I am thankful for all of the little blessings (good and bad) in my life. They have made me the determined, hopeful, faithful, strong, God trusting, loving, thankful, God fearing woman I am today.....
Monday, October 19, 2009
3 Year Anniversary...
Monday October 5, 2009 marked my 3 year anniversary of living in California. It's crazy how fast time goes by. I remember moving here like it were yesterday. Things that day did not pan out the way I had planned. My plan was to drive my little Honda Civic all the way from Texas to California but with my car being wrecked a couple of weeks earlier, I had to fly here. I wasn't ready but I couldn't stay, I had already made my plans and I couldn't change them. It seems that maybe I was following a dream or desire that was planted in me and there was no turning back.
So.... I left. With a couple of suitcases, I left... I actually forgot a whole box of shoes in my rush to get out of Houston =) And guess what....??? I'm still here which seems even crazier to me. I didn't give up this time, although I wanted to many, many times along the way. I think I've realized that pushing through the hard times gave me strength and a power I didn't know I carried. The strength I get from God but also from my mother.
I'm amazed at my mother's strength and her ability to have raised us as best she could. She's the type of person everyone wants to be around and wants to be like. She is fun, loud sometimes, a hard worker, determined, beautiful,sassy, she smells great, selfless, giving, patient, and God loving! Her birthday is coming up on Halloween. When we were kids she used to say she was a witch.. a good witch =) She had weird "psychic" powers we thought. She could predict and make things happen. Anytime we needed something to happen we would go to her and tell her and she would say, OK it will all be OK and then somehow things just happened. For example, in fifth grade we had our Christmas choir program and the lead singer was sick and couldn't sing a week before and I told her and she said he's going to be fine you'll see. The day came and he was able to sing and I was in awe of my moms "powers". When I got older I asked her how she did it, she said she always just prayed. Funny thing was she wasn't even a Christian yet. I miss her! Even if the few years before she went away weren't the best ones, I still miss her. But I'm also thankful that I was able to learn many, many things from her. I still continue to learn from her. Our visits aren't always the most productive, we argue, we disagree A LOT! But I'm still learning from her and I think she learns a few things from me too. I feel guilty sometimes almost like it's my fault. Then I'm reminded that it's all part of God's plan. It's not that I don't think that she could have "learned her lesson" in another way but that was the path she chose.
This week has been a good one. God is revealing more and more to me. Stirring things in my spirit again. Planting dreams and desires in my heart. I'm seeking and gaining wisdom from sources I didn't realized I was surrounded by. There were times in my past when I would question God as to when I would receive my "blessing" thinking that my blessing would come in some materialist way or maybe some level of success, or maybe if I were married, living in a house with a white picket fence and having 2.5 kids. But I've realized that I've been sitting in my blessing all along. I am blessed most importantly because I am alive. Because I have the ability to muster up dreams and desires in my heart and work towards those things. I have wonderful people in my life who care about me and love me. I have a job, a car (even though I would prefer not to drive), I have a home, food, clothes, my two hands and feet, I have the capability and capacity to do things that others dream about doing or having.
I was thinking about things this weekend and I question some of the things I love and feel I'm passionate about. I wondered what drives my passion for those things. Is it because I want to please people? Do I want to just go against the norm? Or is there something in me that truly desires those things.
- I hate to drive.
- I don't want a solitary diamond engagement ring but prefer a band that I will design myself.
- I only want to give birth to one child, 2 at the most.
- I want to write a book.
- I want to get healthy and be fit but I don't want to be super thin.
- I like used clothes and shoes.
- I love the winter.
- I drink soy milk.
- I love game shows (Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune).
- I love indie films.
- I love New York or any city for that matter and could never live in the suburbs again.
- I always say I want a simple life, don't want to be too wealthy and would never want to be a stay at home wife/mom.
But really is that all true? Maybe I really want 4 kids, and live in a nice big house and stay home and cook, clean and take care of those 4 kids. All while driving around in my big SUV with my 3 carat princess cut diamond ring on. Maybe I wish my life were interesting and that's the reason I want to write a book and go on Oprah's show because I love her. Maybe I drink soy milk just because it's not what everyone else drinks. Maybe I wish I could buy really expensive clothes and so I just say I like used clothes. Maybe I wish I could wear a little bikini in my skinny little body and that's the reason I hate the summer and don't want to be super thin.
But then I think about it and nope, not at all. I really do hate driving, I hate looking for parking and I hate traffic. Oh and I've had a really nice car and money to buy nice expensive clothes and my own place and I was no happier than I am today in my modest life. And no I don't want to be super model thin, I'm Latin, I want curves. The extra bit of skin will keep me keep warm in the winter, my favorite season of all. More than 2 kids seriously? 2 is pushing it, kids are expensive and need attention! And yes I really do like the city. I like that I can walk places or take the bus. I like that there are museums and art galleries, culture, mom and pop shops, transplants like me who are here from different cities and countries. I love films that are made on a very small budget and give a message other than "I want to make big bucks" and aren't shown in large movie theatres with really famous actors. I like the flavor of soy milk and the fact that it's healthier. I LOVE to write and share my ideas and experiences. And when I go to New York... I just get a feeling, a feeling I can't quite describe.
I think I just need to accept the fact that maybe I am a little different. I should be thankful that God has planted dreams and desires in my heart I can call my own. And realize that maybe one day they will change but enjoy every bit of my crazy, (sometimes boring), single life in the city today!
So.... I left. With a couple of suitcases, I left... I actually forgot a whole box of shoes in my rush to get out of Houston =) And guess what....??? I'm still here which seems even crazier to me. I didn't give up this time, although I wanted to many, many times along the way. I think I've realized that pushing through the hard times gave me strength and a power I didn't know I carried. The strength I get from God but also from my mother.
I'm amazed at my mother's strength and her ability to have raised us as best she could. She's the type of person everyone wants to be around and wants to be like. She is fun, loud sometimes, a hard worker, determined, beautiful,sassy, she smells great, selfless, giving, patient, and God loving! Her birthday is coming up on Halloween. When we were kids she used to say she was a witch.. a good witch =) She had weird "psychic" powers we thought. She could predict and make things happen. Anytime we needed something to happen we would go to her and tell her and she would say, OK it will all be OK and then somehow things just happened. For example, in fifth grade we had our Christmas choir program and the lead singer was sick and couldn't sing a week before and I told her and she said he's going to be fine you'll see. The day came and he was able to sing and I was in awe of my moms "powers". When I got older I asked her how she did it, she said she always just prayed. Funny thing was she wasn't even a Christian yet. I miss her! Even if the few years before she went away weren't the best ones, I still miss her. But I'm also thankful that I was able to learn many, many things from her. I still continue to learn from her. Our visits aren't always the most productive, we argue, we disagree A LOT! But I'm still learning from her and I think she learns a few things from me too. I feel guilty sometimes almost like it's my fault. Then I'm reminded that it's all part of God's plan. It's not that I don't think that she could have "learned her lesson" in another way but that was the path she chose.
This week has been a good one. God is revealing more and more to me. Stirring things in my spirit again. Planting dreams and desires in my heart. I'm seeking and gaining wisdom from sources I didn't realized I was surrounded by. There were times in my past when I would question God as to when I would receive my "blessing" thinking that my blessing would come in some materialist way or maybe some level of success, or maybe if I were married, living in a house with a white picket fence and having 2.5 kids. But I've realized that I've been sitting in my blessing all along. I am blessed most importantly because I am alive. Because I have the ability to muster up dreams and desires in my heart and work towards those things. I have wonderful people in my life who care about me and love me. I have a job, a car (even though I would prefer not to drive), I have a home, food, clothes, my two hands and feet, I have the capability and capacity to do things that others dream about doing or having.
I was thinking about things this weekend and I question some of the things I love and feel I'm passionate about. I wondered what drives my passion for those things. Is it because I want to please people? Do I want to just go against the norm? Or is there something in me that truly desires those things.
- I hate to drive.
- I don't want a solitary diamond engagement ring but prefer a band that I will design myself.
- I only want to give birth to one child, 2 at the most.
- I want to write a book.
- I want to get healthy and be fit but I don't want to be super thin.
- I like used clothes and shoes.
- I love the winter.
- I drink soy milk.
- I love game shows (Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune).
- I love indie films.
- I love New York or any city for that matter and could never live in the suburbs again.
- I always say I want a simple life, don't want to be too wealthy and would never want to be a stay at home wife/mom.
But really is that all true? Maybe I really want 4 kids, and live in a nice big house and stay home and cook, clean and take care of those 4 kids. All while driving around in my big SUV with my 3 carat princess cut diamond ring on. Maybe I wish my life were interesting and that's the reason I want to write a book and go on Oprah's show because I love her. Maybe I drink soy milk just because it's not what everyone else drinks. Maybe I wish I could buy really expensive clothes and so I just say I like used clothes. Maybe I wish I could wear a little bikini in my skinny little body and that's the reason I hate the summer and don't want to be super thin.
But then I think about it and nope, not at all. I really do hate driving, I hate looking for parking and I hate traffic. Oh and I've had a really nice car and money to buy nice expensive clothes and my own place and I was no happier than I am today in my modest life. And no I don't want to be super model thin, I'm Latin, I want curves. The extra bit of skin will keep me keep warm in the winter, my favorite season of all. More than 2 kids seriously? 2 is pushing it, kids are expensive and need attention! And yes I really do like the city. I like that I can walk places or take the bus. I like that there are museums and art galleries, culture, mom and pop shops, transplants like me who are here from different cities and countries. I love films that are made on a very small budget and give a message other than "I want to make big bucks" and aren't shown in large movie theatres with really famous actors. I like the flavor of soy milk and the fact that it's healthier. I LOVE to write and share my ideas and experiences. And when I go to New York... I just get a feeling, a feeling I can't quite describe.
I think I just need to accept the fact that maybe I am a little different. I should be thankful that God has planted dreams and desires in my heart I can call my own. And realize that maybe one day they will change but enjoy every bit of my crazy, (sometimes boring), single life in the city today!
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
What I'm thinking about while I'm running.......
I was never into sports as a kid, well not playing them at least. Funny because my dad played competitive soccer for over 30 years. He was a forward and a damn good one at that. For some reason he always reminded me of the Argentine soccer player Diego Maradona. Maybe because I grew up hearing all about Maradona and how he was the greatest soccer player to live along side Pele of course. I don't know if it's true but I'll always think of my dad as the greatest soccer player =)
My parents didn't let me play sports after my car accident(10 years old). They were scared that I would get injured and break my femur again. I can't say I really wanted to anyway. I joined the drill team in middle school but didn't do that long either. So there you go my physical fitness activities during my lifetime which pretty much were nonexistent.
I always enjoyed walking though. Growing up in Texas it was either too hot,cold, humid or just plain out not cool to walk anywhere. As soon as you turn 15 you're taking drivers education so that you can get your driving permit. At 16 your parents buy you a car and you drive to school, the mall, part time jobs, movies and parties. If you weren't playing sports exercise did not exist.
So how did I become active? I moved to California on October 5, 2006. I immediately started going to the gym again because I knew no one and I had no one to go out and drink with. I wouldn't dare step on a treadmill though and I had plenty of excuses. I'm not a runner, I'm too heavy, I have bad knees, ankles... blah..blah..blah... I stuck to the elliptical trainer for at least a year and slowly started walking on the treadmill then a light jog. In 2007 I became interested in yoga and started off by doing bikram yoga. I was in love with the high I would get. My body felt light and my muscles were stretching.
In January of this year my friend Neil started his own fitness company called Saka. I decided I would start to workout with him in February. I don't think I really knew what I was getting myself into, all I knew was that I wanted to get fit and healthy. I signed up for 3 months, 3 long months that would change the way I thought of excercise for the rest of my life I'm sure.
At our very first session we jogged one block and I nearly passed out. With many stops along the way I managed to jog about 2 miles. Oh and I failed to mention that I fell. I missed the curb on the sidewalk and fell. Just ate it, didn't even try to stop myself. Cut up my knee and elbow but it didn't stop me, I got up and kept running. I remember thinking... I wonder if I'll ever be able to run all the way to the ballpark and back without stopping. I gave him the same excuses I would tell myself when I was at the gym... I'm not a runner, I'm too heavy. He payed no attention to my whining and told me to keep running, and I did. For the next 3 months I experienced something I had never experienced "a runners high" as I've heard it called. Running with Neil is a little different than when I run on my own. With him I can't listen to music and it always starts off by running up a hill, we like to call it "The good morning sunshine hill". Then there's always the "Mother F'er" one of the steepest hills I've ever had to run up and down and then up again several times, sideways, backwards or sprinting. Working out with him has made me realize how much of a determined person I actually am. I talk to myself throughout most of his workouts. I convince myself that the pain is temporary and the results far out way the physical difficulties. I remind myself of everything I've been through in life and how much harder all of that was, many of which are emotional struggles I've gone through. From my fathers drug addiction, my parents divorce, my mom going away, my sisters drug addiction and the multiple issues that came about because of that, and the loneliness all of those things have caused me to feel throughout my life. Yes, I do remind myself of all of that as I struggle to sprint up a hill, run on the beach, struggle with push ups, crunches, and dips. I often have to yell at myself on the inside to keep going. The old me comes out and I want to quit running half way up the hill, I want to keep sleeping in the morning or only do 10 push ups instead of 20. But I don't quit, I keep going because I'm not a quitter anymore. I've struggled in life and done what I could to keep me from killing myself.. literally. I don't think I've ever liked myself, let alone loved myself... until recently.
When I run on my own I have to listen to music because it inspires me. Most of the time I'm thinking of something I could be writing. I usually forget it because I'm not writing it down. I'm thinking of my life and where I want to be in life. Not necessarily a physical location but an emotional state of mind. I want to be happy, so I daydream about what happiness looks like. It usually comes in the form of family, friends, events, day to day life, helping others in some way. I think about books I want to read, museums I want to go to, paintings I want to paint, spending time with my niece and nephews, my dad, grandparents, family. Places I want to visit and places I love to visit. New York - I love, love , love, my grandparents in Mexico not because it's a pretty place but because it doesn't matter what I'm doing in my life or how much money I'm making or what I look like. My grandmother loves me just because I am who I am. Also, because I care to ask her what she dreams of doing in her life even when she thinks she doesn't have much time left. Or because I tell her I still want to take her to New York and Paris and I want her to fall in love again or at all... It's the one place where I feel needed and appreciated. My grandfather sits in a wheelchair with both legs amputated and no one cares about what he thinks or feels. Do people not believe in forgiveness or redemption..?? I guess not.... But I do care.
I'm not some perfect person who is always forgiving and has a heart of gold. Trust me, I'm human and I mess up daily. I get irritated with people and call them names, I tell white lies, I curse when I get angry, I'm lazy sometimes, I make faces at people and it's not always to their face, I reject incoming calls.. A LOT!I judge without realizing (not on purpose) and when I do realize it I correct my thinking. I am constantly asking for forgiveness. I'm constantly trying to be the best me and sometimes the worst me has to leave me so that the best me can come about.
So... I worked out with Neil for a total of 5 months and then stopped for 2 months. I started up again 2 and a half weeks ago and I love it. It was really hard the first week but it definitely makes me feel good. It helps me with many other things in my life. When I'm doing that last stretch of the "mother f'er" I have to play out in my mind that I'm running a marathon and it's the last mile and that helps me get through it without falling over. It helps me remember that I'm finally doing something that I'm happy about and also very proud of myself. My dad has no idea that I run as much as I do. I've told him about it but I don't think he has a clue as to how determined I am. I don't think he knows that it is because of him that I am the way I am. He pushed me in my school work to get good grades (he was a total bookworm), he was an altar boy, a great athlete, and an encouraging father. He always tells me to do what I believe in and that anything is possible as long as I really want it.
I'm going to continue to work out with Neil and endure the wonderful workouts =). And when I've decided that it's time to stop I'll continue to run on my own. I haven't tested myself but I know that I can run 5 miles without stopping but I think I can do more. It's a time where I'm able to transport myself to a place I miss, a place I love or a place I want to be at.....
My dad and Diego Maradona:
My parents didn't let me play sports after my car accident(10 years old). They were scared that I would get injured and break my femur again. I can't say I really wanted to anyway. I joined the drill team in middle school but didn't do that long either. So there you go my physical fitness activities during my lifetime which pretty much were nonexistent.
I always enjoyed walking though. Growing up in Texas it was either too hot,cold, humid or just plain out not cool to walk anywhere. As soon as you turn 15 you're taking drivers education so that you can get your driving permit. At 16 your parents buy you a car and you drive to school, the mall, part time jobs, movies and parties. If you weren't playing sports exercise did not exist.
So how did I become active? I moved to California on October 5, 2006. I immediately started going to the gym again because I knew no one and I had no one to go out and drink with. I wouldn't dare step on a treadmill though and I had plenty of excuses. I'm not a runner, I'm too heavy, I have bad knees, ankles... blah..blah..blah... I stuck to the elliptical trainer for at least a year and slowly started walking on the treadmill then a light jog. In 2007 I became interested in yoga and started off by doing bikram yoga. I was in love with the high I would get. My body felt light and my muscles were stretching.
In January of this year my friend Neil started his own fitness company called Saka. I decided I would start to workout with him in February. I don't think I really knew what I was getting myself into, all I knew was that I wanted to get fit and healthy. I signed up for 3 months, 3 long months that would change the way I thought of excercise for the rest of my life I'm sure.
At our very first session we jogged one block and I nearly passed out. With many stops along the way I managed to jog about 2 miles. Oh and I failed to mention that I fell. I missed the curb on the sidewalk and fell. Just ate it, didn't even try to stop myself. Cut up my knee and elbow but it didn't stop me, I got up and kept running. I remember thinking... I wonder if I'll ever be able to run all the way to the ballpark and back without stopping. I gave him the same excuses I would tell myself when I was at the gym... I'm not a runner, I'm too heavy. He payed no attention to my whining and told me to keep running, and I did. For the next 3 months I experienced something I had never experienced "a runners high" as I've heard it called. Running with Neil is a little different than when I run on my own. With him I can't listen to music and it always starts off by running up a hill, we like to call it "The good morning sunshine hill". Then there's always the "Mother F'er" one of the steepest hills I've ever had to run up and down and then up again several times, sideways, backwards or sprinting. Working out with him has made me realize how much of a determined person I actually am. I talk to myself throughout most of his workouts. I convince myself that the pain is temporary and the results far out way the physical difficulties. I remind myself of everything I've been through in life and how much harder all of that was, many of which are emotional struggles I've gone through. From my fathers drug addiction, my parents divorce, my mom going away, my sisters drug addiction and the multiple issues that came about because of that, and the loneliness all of those things have caused me to feel throughout my life. Yes, I do remind myself of all of that as I struggle to sprint up a hill, run on the beach, struggle with push ups, crunches, and dips. I often have to yell at myself on the inside to keep going. The old me comes out and I want to quit running half way up the hill, I want to keep sleeping in the morning or only do 10 push ups instead of 20. But I don't quit, I keep going because I'm not a quitter anymore. I've struggled in life and done what I could to keep me from killing myself.. literally. I don't think I've ever liked myself, let alone loved myself... until recently.
When I run on my own I have to listen to music because it inspires me. Most of the time I'm thinking of something I could be writing. I usually forget it because I'm not writing it down. I'm thinking of my life and where I want to be in life. Not necessarily a physical location but an emotional state of mind. I want to be happy, so I daydream about what happiness looks like. It usually comes in the form of family, friends, events, day to day life, helping others in some way. I think about books I want to read, museums I want to go to, paintings I want to paint, spending time with my niece and nephews, my dad, grandparents, family. Places I want to visit and places I love to visit. New York - I love, love , love, my grandparents in Mexico not because it's a pretty place but because it doesn't matter what I'm doing in my life or how much money I'm making or what I look like. My grandmother loves me just because I am who I am. Also, because I care to ask her what she dreams of doing in her life even when she thinks she doesn't have much time left. Or because I tell her I still want to take her to New York and Paris and I want her to fall in love again or at all... It's the one place where I feel needed and appreciated. My grandfather sits in a wheelchair with both legs amputated and no one cares about what he thinks or feels. Do people not believe in forgiveness or redemption..?? I guess not.... But I do care.
I'm not some perfect person who is always forgiving and has a heart of gold. Trust me, I'm human and I mess up daily. I get irritated with people and call them names, I tell white lies, I curse when I get angry, I'm lazy sometimes, I make faces at people and it's not always to their face, I reject incoming calls.. A LOT!I judge without realizing (not on purpose) and when I do realize it I correct my thinking. I am constantly asking for forgiveness. I'm constantly trying to be the best me and sometimes the worst me has to leave me so that the best me can come about.
So... I worked out with Neil for a total of 5 months and then stopped for 2 months. I started up again 2 and a half weeks ago and I love it. It was really hard the first week but it definitely makes me feel good. It helps me with many other things in my life. When I'm doing that last stretch of the "mother f'er" I have to play out in my mind that I'm running a marathon and it's the last mile and that helps me get through it without falling over. It helps me remember that I'm finally doing something that I'm happy about and also very proud of myself. My dad has no idea that I run as much as I do. I've told him about it but I don't think he has a clue as to how determined I am. I don't think he knows that it is because of him that I am the way I am. He pushed me in my school work to get good grades (he was a total bookworm), he was an altar boy, a great athlete, and an encouraging father. He always tells me to do what I believe in and that anything is possible as long as I really want it.
I'm going to continue to work out with Neil and endure the wonderful workouts =). And when I've decided that it's time to stop I'll continue to run on my own. I haven't tested myself but I know that I can run 5 miles without stopping but I think I can do more. It's a time where I'm able to transport myself to a place I miss, a place I love or a place I want to be at.....
My dad and Diego Maradona:
Sunday, September 13, 2009
The results of too much extra time on my hands....
I started writing this a couple of days after my birthday and have decided to finish it up today.
08/27/09: So I turned 29 this year. Wow, my last year in my 20's a bit scary but I'm ready for my 30's, I think they're going to be AWESOME!I'll be wiser, better looking (hopefully, if I've aged with grace)and more successful. I don't tend to tell too many people when it's my birthday. I figure the important people in my life already know and don't need to be reminded. This year it was a little emotional, I never got a call from my sister and my dad forgot and didn't call until almost 8pm (10pm Texas time). Did it affect me? I wish I could say it didn't, but it did. It made me feel lonely again. Only this time I didn't get the urge to go home as I usually do. It made me want to stay as far away as possible. I've said this before and I'll say it again that all of the reasons I want to go home (family and friends) are all of the same reasons I shouldn't be going back. I don't know that I'd be able to adapt to the cultural change. My lifestyle is a lot different here in San Francisco and I enjoy it (I don't have to drive, eat at chain restaurants or endure the horrible weather).
Something is going on back home and I don't know what it is?? Usually I would panic, my F.B.I. skills would come out but I thank God that I'm not this time. I'm almost certain something isn't right but it's so weird how I'm actually peaceful. Not because I don't care but because I think that all of the praying for a peaceful spirit has finally happened. I'm usually controlling, it makes me feel complete. Only this time I have no control nor do I want it. It still affects me, I'm still thinking a lot, but it's not residing in my spirit. I'm not being emotional about it like before. My dad always says "bad news travels fast". I think he's right, but I still don't get it and I guess there is nothing I can do about it.
I think I close myself off in a sense when I'm thinking about what's going on. I don't mean to but my mind starts to wander.
This week there was a lot of thinking involved which happens often. Not a great thing, I'll have to admit. What happens many times is that I'm doing a lot of thinking and it all revolves around ME and MY life and what is affecting it. Not that I shouldn't be concerned about myself or my life but I lose focus on my purpose, which is others. (I will drive myself crazy thinking)
Today I read for a brief moment and it was all I needed to get me back on track. Matthew 10:38-39 "If your first concern is to look after yourself, you'll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you'll find both yourself and me". BRILLIANT!! So I wrote this verse at the front of my journal for those days when I feel lost in my own thoughts, I can bring it back to him.
I'm a much better giver than I am receiver. But I've realized that there are many things we must first receive to be able to give to others. For instance..... love, forgiveness, wisdom, knowledge and so on... Until I learn to receive these things and know that I am worthy of them, then I will be able to give them, genuinely share them with others.
Today 09/13/09:
Nothing was actually happening back home and if there was I never found out. I think everyone is just living their own lives. I'm glad that I'm finally doing the same thing. It's almost been 3 years that I've been here in California and I still can't believe I live here. My roommate probably thinks I'm crazy but every so often I come home and I tell her... "I think I really live here, I just saw someone I know while I was out doing......" I love it here and I'm glad that I went to God in making my decision on whether I should go or stay. I don't doubt that I could have had a blessed, happy life in Texas but it's not the life that I desire. I've always been a free spirited person, I'm attracted to in perfection, the rough and ugly side of things. I like most things to be worn in a little, be it clothes, shoes, books (with others notes in them) men... lol! kidding! Not worn in but with a little bit of life experience. Not just men but my friends and people in my immediate circle. I don't want to be in some sort of cookie cutter circle of friends. I want to be transparent and genuine with people and allow them to feel that they can be the same way with me. I am not, my life is not and nor do I want to seem "perfect". I want to learn from others experiences and others to be moved or inspired by my own.
A little of what's going on in my life right now.....
Work - it's good, I'm forming friendships as I often do and through those friendships opportunities start to pour out. I don't know where I'll be at the beginning of next year but I'm sure I will be doing something differently. (I read a billboard recently that said "Doing things differently leads to something exceptional". I would agree!)I just feel like there needs to purpose and meaning in the thing I'm going to be doing everyday and I can't say I feel that way right now. But that's OK, it's all in God's hands.
Workouts- I started working out with Neil a couple of weeks ago and it's HARD!! He says I'm getting more physically fit and has to push me harder. I can't say I'm thrilled but I'm feeling great and motivated!!
Spiritually - I'm on cloud 9... lol! In love with Christ that is! I'm hanging out with him more, getting to know him. I want to be more like him and I can't be like him if I don't know what he's like. I can't like him just because everyone else does. It's funny that I've been in church almost my entire life but never really had a relationship with God, Christ, the Holy Spirit. We were acquaintances, now we're friends and almost bff!! =) Kind of like when you meet a new person and all you want to do is spend time with them. I may be coming off as some religious Jesus Freak but I've had one too many life experiences and miracles to deny that I love and serve an AMAZING God!
Love- not much really, but as my friend says "hay potencia" (there's potential). It will happen on God's time, not my own.
Life - Is great! I almost moved home (Texas) but God knocked some sense into me. I'm working, working out again, getting to know God, the city, myself and others more. I'm cooking a lot these days, reading more, listening to more music, drawing a little, writing, walking (all over the city it's only 7x7 miles, just to give you an idea), trying to decide on whether I should get rid of my car and buy a bicycle, planning a trip to Europe next year, talking to my dad almost on a daily basis again, talking to my grandparents once a week, dreaming up new ideas, and as always.... Trying to find myself =)
08/27/09: So I turned 29 this year. Wow, my last year in my 20's a bit scary but I'm ready for my 30's, I think they're going to be AWESOME!I'll be wiser, better looking (hopefully, if I've aged with grace)and more successful. I don't tend to tell too many people when it's my birthday. I figure the important people in my life already know and don't need to be reminded. This year it was a little emotional, I never got a call from my sister and my dad forgot and didn't call until almost 8pm (10pm Texas time). Did it affect me? I wish I could say it didn't, but it did. It made me feel lonely again. Only this time I didn't get the urge to go home as I usually do. It made me want to stay as far away as possible. I've said this before and I'll say it again that all of the reasons I want to go home (family and friends) are all of the same reasons I shouldn't be going back. I don't know that I'd be able to adapt to the cultural change. My lifestyle is a lot different here in San Francisco and I enjoy it (I don't have to drive, eat at chain restaurants or endure the horrible weather).
Something is going on back home and I don't know what it is?? Usually I would panic, my F.B.I. skills would come out but I thank God that I'm not this time. I'm almost certain something isn't right but it's so weird how I'm actually peaceful. Not because I don't care but because I think that all of the praying for a peaceful spirit has finally happened. I'm usually controlling, it makes me feel complete. Only this time I have no control nor do I want it. It still affects me, I'm still thinking a lot, but it's not residing in my spirit. I'm not being emotional about it like before. My dad always says "bad news travels fast". I think he's right, but I still don't get it and I guess there is nothing I can do about it.
I think I close myself off in a sense when I'm thinking about what's going on. I don't mean to but my mind starts to wander.
This week there was a lot of thinking involved which happens often. Not a great thing, I'll have to admit. What happens many times is that I'm doing a lot of thinking and it all revolves around ME and MY life and what is affecting it. Not that I shouldn't be concerned about myself or my life but I lose focus on my purpose, which is others. (I will drive myself crazy thinking)
Today I read for a brief moment and it was all I needed to get me back on track. Matthew 10:38-39 "If your first concern is to look after yourself, you'll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you'll find both yourself and me". BRILLIANT!! So I wrote this verse at the front of my journal for those days when I feel lost in my own thoughts, I can bring it back to him.
I'm a much better giver than I am receiver. But I've realized that there are many things we must first receive to be able to give to others. For instance..... love, forgiveness, wisdom, knowledge and so on... Until I learn to receive these things and know that I am worthy of them, then I will be able to give them, genuinely share them with others.
Today 09/13/09:
Nothing was actually happening back home and if there was I never found out. I think everyone is just living their own lives. I'm glad that I'm finally doing the same thing. It's almost been 3 years that I've been here in California and I still can't believe I live here. My roommate probably thinks I'm crazy but every so often I come home and I tell her... "I think I really live here, I just saw someone I know while I was out doing......" I love it here and I'm glad that I went to God in making my decision on whether I should go or stay. I don't doubt that I could have had a blessed, happy life in Texas but it's not the life that I desire. I've always been a free spirited person, I'm attracted to in perfection, the rough and ugly side of things. I like most things to be worn in a little, be it clothes, shoes, books (with others notes in them) men... lol! kidding! Not worn in but with a little bit of life experience. Not just men but my friends and people in my immediate circle. I don't want to be in some sort of cookie cutter circle of friends. I want to be transparent and genuine with people and allow them to feel that they can be the same way with me. I am not, my life is not and nor do I want to seem "perfect". I want to learn from others experiences and others to be moved or inspired by my own.
A little of what's going on in my life right now.....
Work - it's good, I'm forming friendships as I often do and through those friendships opportunities start to pour out. I don't know where I'll be at the beginning of next year but I'm sure I will be doing something differently. (I read a billboard recently that said "Doing things differently leads to something exceptional". I would agree!)I just feel like there needs to purpose and meaning in the thing I'm going to be doing everyday and I can't say I feel that way right now. But that's OK, it's all in God's hands.
Workouts- I started working out with Neil a couple of weeks ago and it's HARD!! He says I'm getting more physically fit and has to push me harder. I can't say I'm thrilled but I'm feeling great and motivated!!
Spiritually - I'm on cloud 9... lol! In love with Christ that is! I'm hanging out with him more, getting to know him. I want to be more like him and I can't be like him if I don't know what he's like. I can't like him just because everyone else does. It's funny that I've been in church almost my entire life but never really had a relationship with God, Christ, the Holy Spirit. We were acquaintances, now we're friends and almost bff!! =) Kind of like when you meet a new person and all you want to do is spend time with them. I may be coming off as some religious Jesus Freak but I've had one too many life experiences and miracles to deny that I love and serve an AMAZING God!
Love- not much really, but as my friend says "hay potencia" (there's potential). It will happen on God's time, not my own.
Life - Is great! I almost moved home (Texas) but God knocked some sense into me. I'm working, working out again, getting to know God, the city, myself and others more. I'm cooking a lot these days, reading more, listening to more music, drawing a little, writing, walking (all over the city it's only 7x7 miles, just to give you an idea), trying to decide on whether I should get rid of my car and buy a bicycle, planning a trip to Europe next year, talking to my dad almost on a daily basis again, talking to my grandparents once a week, dreaming up new ideas, and as always.... Trying to find myself =)
Thursday, August 6, 2009
What's on my mind and heart right now...
So I'm staying in San Francisco, just because I can (as Bill Clinton would say).... that's all I have to say about it. (Not really but that's all I have to say right now)
My friend Sara and I are planning a backpacking trip to Europe for late Spring 2010, I'm so looking forward to it. Finally someone who is as adventurous as I am =)
After reading Sara's blog today I decided I needed to write.
I'm a little serious sometimes, I used to be a very angry person, very unhappy. I think I'm changing...slowly and for the better. I don't let things affect me as much as before, I don't react by yelling, cussing and crying anymore. (I laugh, pray and talk about it now. I have a weird sense of humor some would say. I don't like funny movies, well some of them I do but only a few. Didn't watch cartoons as a kid and I still don't. I'm a bit sarcastic, but you wouldn't know that unless you're in my everyday life.
I love... people, talking to, listening, watching, analyzing, or just being in the same room with them.
I don't like...arrogant, mean, jealous, stingy,or selfish people.
I peel the skin off of my chicken nuggets, then I eat the skin and the chicken (haven't had any in awhile).
I love to walk, with no agenda I can just walk for miles as long as I have music playing in my ears and something to see.
I love to read, anything really. Books, magazines, The Holy Bible, the back of cereal boxes, newspapers (The New York times is my fave). I like reading things that motivate me to do more with my life, to push harder and believe in myself, even when no one else does.
I have this stirring in my spirit right now that I can't explain. I want more out of life. I want to be passionate about things, I want to run with new ideas or maybe even others ideas but do something with them. I can't sit still, I feel anxious, I want more!
There has to be more than this. What does "this" look like.... working, eating, sleeping, the occasional trip to the gym, hanging with my friends, church, events, parties. It's almost like we're entertaining ourselves. Or maybe I'm entertaining myself??? Not that those meetings or encounters are meaningless but I think I need something new, I need more. Not a physical move but an emotional shift is happening within me. Oh wow... I think I just realized it may be "growth". I'm growing up and it's not easy. Over the past 6 years there's been a lot of "growth" not by choice necessarily but it happened. It wasn't as painful because I needed it to survive that I didn't even notice. The "growth" I'm going through now is by choice, I want more, I've reached a plateau, I'm on the edge and either I jump off or run back down. I can't go back!!! So I take the plunge, I've got my parachute on =)
It's a little scary but I'm learning to take some risks, getting out of my comfort and safe zone and stepping into the unknown, with God as my leader.
(City of Blinding Lights, U2, playing in my ear now)
I want to write things, greeting cards, letters to family, maybe even books. I want to encourage and motivate people somehow and I don't know if I can do that "all from the comfort of my own home". I want there to be fear and a sense of a challenge in the choices I make. I don't want to take my life for granted. I want to enjoy nature, the people in my life who have amazing dreams and talents. I want their passion to rub off on me and mine on them. I can't sit around any longer. I want to really experience life.
Things I want to do more of or do at all:
read
write
run
travel
lay in the park and read, write, day dream
walk on the beach
ride a bike
volunteer my time in nursing homes, schools, street ministries (with people who need love and attention)
meet new people and have random conversations
talk to my dad more
talk to my grandparents more
visit more museums
take new classes and learn... learn... learn....
attempt to love dogs
spend time with children and laugh at the funny things they say (their innocence)
try to be more like Jesus
walk... walk...walk...run..run...run
take day trips to random little towns I've never visited
try new foods
cook new recipes
paint and draw
laugh..laugh...laugh...
And above all love.. love.. love... others, strangers, myself, my peers, my family. I want there to be no judgement in my words, thoughts or expressions. I want to speak words of faith, healing and inspiration into others lives, for and by God. I want to be a part of something bigger. I need to go where God leads me and believe that he will supply all of my needs (love and provision). He says keep your lives simple and honest and that's what I'm aiming for.
KP
My friend Sara and I are planning a backpacking trip to Europe for late Spring 2010, I'm so looking forward to it. Finally someone who is as adventurous as I am =)
After reading Sara's blog today I decided I needed to write.
I'm a little serious sometimes, I used to be a very angry person, very unhappy. I think I'm changing...slowly and for the better. I don't let things affect me as much as before, I don't react by yelling, cussing and crying anymore. (I laugh, pray and talk about it now. I have a weird sense of humor some would say. I don't like funny movies, well some of them I do but only a few. Didn't watch cartoons as a kid and I still don't. I'm a bit sarcastic, but you wouldn't know that unless you're in my everyday life.
I love... people, talking to, listening, watching, analyzing, or just being in the same room with them.
I don't like...arrogant, mean, jealous, stingy,or selfish people.
I peel the skin off of my chicken nuggets, then I eat the skin and the chicken (haven't had any in awhile).
I love to walk, with no agenda I can just walk for miles as long as I have music playing in my ears and something to see.
I love to read, anything really. Books, magazines, The Holy Bible, the back of cereal boxes, newspapers (The New York times is my fave). I like reading things that motivate me to do more with my life, to push harder and believe in myself, even when no one else does.
I have this stirring in my spirit right now that I can't explain. I want more out of life. I want to be passionate about things, I want to run with new ideas or maybe even others ideas but do something with them. I can't sit still, I feel anxious, I want more!
There has to be more than this. What does "this" look like.... working, eating, sleeping, the occasional trip to the gym, hanging with my friends, church, events, parties. It's almost like we're entertaining ourselves. Or maybe I'm entertaining myself??? Not that those meetings or encounters are meaningless but I think I need something new, I need more. Not a physical move but an emotional shift is happening within me. Oh wow... I think I just realized it may be "growth". I'm growing up and it's not easy. Over the past 6 years there's been a lot of "growth" not by choice necessarily but it happened. It wasn't as painful because I needed it to survive that I didn't even notice. The "growth" I'm going through now is by choice, I want more, I've reached a plateau, I'm on the edge and either I jump off or run back down. I can't go back!!! So I take the plunge, I've got my parachute on =)
It's a little scary but I'm learning to take some risks, getting out of my comfort and safe zone and stepping into the unknown, with God as my leader.
(City of Blinding Lights, U2, playing in my ear now)
I want to write things, greeting cards, letters to family, maybe even books. I want to encourage and motivate people somehow and I don't know if I can do that "all from the comfort of my own home". I want there to be fear and a sense of a challenge in the choices I make. I don't want to take my life for granted. I want to enjoy nature, the people in my life who have amazing dreams and talents. I want their passion to rub off on me and mine on them. I can't sit around any longer. I want to really experience life.
Things I want to do more of or do at all:
read
write
run
travel
lay in the park and read, write, day dream
walk on the beach
ride a bike
volunteer my time in nursing homes, schools, street ministries (with people who need love and attention)
meet new people and have random conversations
talk to my dad more
talk to my grandparents more
visit more museums
take new classes and learn... learn... learn....
attempt to love dogs
spend time with children and laugh at the funny things they say (their innocence)
try to be more like Jesus
walk... walk...walk...run..run...run
take day trips to random little towns I've never visited
try new foods
cook new recipes
paint and draw
laugh..laugh...laugh...
And above all love.. love.. love... others, strangers, myself, my peers, my family. I want there to be no judgement in my words, thoughts or expressions. I want to speak words of faith, healing and inspiration into others lives, for and by God. I want to be a part of something bigger. I need to go where God leads me and believe that he will supply all of my needs (love and provision). He says keep your lives simple and honest and that's what I'm aiming for.
KP
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